If you’re still not on the Twitter bandwagon, don’t worry. You’re not missing much. If you have a Facebook page, then you pretty much have a Twitter-like mechanism commonly known as the “Status Update.”
The problem with the status update is there’s no set-in-stone way to use it. With Twitter you only get 140 characters to get your point across. The Facebook status update should work in the same way, but people have yet to figure out things like “brevity” and “coherence.” Thus, we are saddled with having to put up with an endless array of bizarre Update-isms ; proving that if you hand people some micro-blogging technology that has no built in system of rules, they will become flustered and post anything as long as it’s still in the realm of “something.”
5. Inspirational Wisdom
Example: “If you can’t stand by your word you stand for nothing.”
What is it about the status update that turns everybody in to Tony Robbins? Are people lying on the couch with their laptops slowly heating their nearly bare genitals while trying to come up with pithy enlightening slogans that aren’t even good enough for bumper stickers?
Some Facebook users seem to have some kind of mystical, all-knowing wisdom that was granted to them by a cosmic force that we mere mortals don’t have the brain capacity to even fathom. Sadly, this mystical force only bestowed them with the power to spout out small bursts of intelligence that would seem more convincing if it wasn’t typed and delivered to you by the same person that has an entire Facebook photo album dedicated to that time they got so drunk they couldn’t take another sip without vomiting instantly, so they tried to absorb a bottle of vodka rectally.
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4. Quotes
Example: “Every man dies. Not every man really lives” – William Wallace
Like Inspirational Wisdom, the quote is a short burst of universal truth being passed on to you, the person that would really rather read an update about how the cops are banging on the door yet the updater refuses to throw down their weapons and release the hostages.
The quote is perhaps the most subversively annoying of the bunch as you have to give it some thought and perform some small observations to fully appreciate its stupidity. Thankfully for you, we did that part for you.
The quote sucks because…
A) Like Inspirational wisdom, the chances of the person writing it actually living out that quote to the fullest are slim. In fact, the chances are pretty good that the William Walllace quote above was typed in to the status update box while the updater was stuck in a cubicle trying to decided whether they should just walk out of the office and never return, of if they should come back from lunch with a fully loaded Mac-10. They will settled on neither and continue to fill out their time sheets in-between searches for more quotes that they would live by if they didn’t suck at living so much.
B) Because all friends of the updater give the quote a Thumbs Up, as if the updater had actually come up with the quote themselves. In essence, these people are rewarding and praising the updater for figuring out how to copy and paste…which is the same thing we would do to a monkey if it learned to copy and paste.
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3. Being Vague
Example: “Riding on a wave of self-loathing. If only you could understand. None of you ever will.”
In every friends list there is the one guy or girl that refuses to ever come out and clarify just what the hell their updates even mean, like they’re some kind of Facebook David Lynch – hiding their messages behind metaphor and perplexing language that can mean almost anything. The example above is something a Funny Crave staff member actually saw on their Facebook news feed not too long ago.
What does it mean? Who knows? But what we do know is that no less than 5 friends of this updater asked the same type of question, “What’s wrong?” and “Is everything okay?” Clearly, people that post vague, cryptic status updates need a hug but feel that performing an actual hug is too “all up in your face.” Perhaps they would be happy with a slight knowing nod as you pass them on the street, or, if you want to go the vague and perplexing route, give them a Thumbs Up then leave a comment where you call them a pretentious drama-feeding asshole.
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2. Being Vague, Part 2: Passive Shit-Talking
Example: “Don’t you just hate it when certain ‘best friends’ turn out to be your worst enemies?”
The word “Emo” gets tossed around a lot when it comes to whining and moaning about events or the actions of certain people. While complaining is a common human reaction to bad circumstances, being “Emo” when complaining means your complaints have no balls behind them. If you bitch and whine passively, never once putting a face on what you’re whining about, you’re just showing off one of the many ways a person can be Emo on the internet. That’s when you get shitty status updates where people who are presumably seething with anger think it devilishly slick to advertize their rage in a dreadfully ambiguous way, making sure no one gets offended.
The problem here is that there are 2 ways of achieving the shit talking goal: the pussy-emo way, or the more commonly accepted, and highly praised, manly way.
If you want to be a man about it, just turn your “Don’t you just hate it when certain ‘best friends’ turn out to be your worst enemies?”emo update in to, “Hey, Ted! Yeah, I’m talking about you, Ted Abbots! You’re a fucking cocksucker! Hey, Everybody! Ted’s a retarded cocksucker that should be chemically castrated with a Pop Rocks and Bleach cocktail!”
It’s simple and direct. Regardless of how retarded Ted actually is, he will not be confused as to what and who you’re talking about….and he may actually give a shit when he reads it.
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1. A Whole lot of Nothing
Example: “Just got home,” “about to shower!” “My dog chewed my sandals while I was in the shower!!!” “Still wet from the shower. ‘bout to eat. Yummmmm!” “This chicken tastes funny” “I think that chicken is giving me the shits!!”
Micro-blogging as given rise to people that feel everything they do is news worthy of ‘round-the-clock news coverage on a cable news channel. “BREAKING: I JUST STEPPED IN DOG SHIT”, “THIS JUST IN: THIS TOOTHPASTE IS TOO MINTY, SADNESS CONSUMES ME”, “NEWSFLASH: MY SHOE LACES, THEY ARE ASKEW.”
Unless the updater is giving an up-to-the-minute account of their current adventure in a dense rain forest as they do battle with demon goats from hell while the fate of mankind hangs in the balance, then they probably shouldn’t be concerned with informing us of their every action.
This mentality is indicative of a person whose life is so mundane that they feel they have to over-compensate by announcing their every thought and action to the world in the hopes that at least one person on their friends list will finally speak up and tell them to just shut their fucking mouths. That one minor digital altercation will be the closest thing to excitement they will have had in months.
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